An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

For success, have a laser-like, purpose-oriented focus, and persistently go toward it.

I like to exercise in the morning before work. It puts me in a good mood, which makes my coworkers happy, and jump-starts my brain, which makes me happy.

I desire therefore I exist.

Being wealthy is often a powerful predictor that people spend less time doing pleasurable things and more time doing compulsory things and feeling stressed.

The word "budget" is the idea-killer. It slaughters any idea.

I decided upon the thought that I can only find myself once I can admit to myself and approve that both sides are sides of myself.

If anyone tells you he is never afraid, he is a liar or he is a Gurkha.

Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve the silence?

Arnold has had his spokesman call me a crackpot. That was a mistake.