An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Establish your system of control to see that your team does there job

The problem with heroes and villains is that it’s not always easy to tell which is which. Particularly when you are one.

What we have to fight for...is the freedom and independence of the fatherland, so that our people may be enabled to fulfill the mission assigned to it by the Creator.

Conscience, that boon companion who sets a man free under the strong breastplate of innocence, that bids him on and fear not.

For to love is to give what one is, his very being, in the most absolute, the most brazenly metaphysical, the least phenomenalizable sense of this word.

Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language.

When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me?

All I want is your loving, feel the earth move when we kiss. I don't need a big ol' diamond, but I'll take it baby if you insist.

The best artists transcend nationality and identity.

Shoob-be-doo-be-doo-da-day.