An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause

The first step is the hardest.

I get worried for young girls sometimes; I want them to feel that they can be sassy and full and weird and geeky and smart and independent, and not so withered and shriveled.

Every single director-actor I talked to, from Warren Beatty to Clint Eastwood to George Clooney, said the biggest mistake they made is not shooting enough footage of themselves.

I'd be happy to have regular face-to-face meetings at Downing Street with David Cameron to argue the case for alternative economic policies.

Nature, when left to universal laws, tends to produce regularity out of chaos.

I don’t count life as life without love

I've finally found my home - as Lt. Frank Drebin.

I spent hours flipping through the stations, watching Pat Robertson preach about society’s evils and then ask people to call him with their credit card number.

I never went to film school, so I just sort of learned on my own.