An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The gods, so says the old superstition, do not like to behold too happy mortals. It is certain, at least, that some human beings do not.

Live like a butterfly

I'd like to be remembered for being a good-hearted soul that left this planet better than I found it.

I am fairly average in my expenses as a person in a technical line/CEO of work.

I've always made music from the heart, and that's what I do. And at the end of the day, whether it works or not, I can say I tried my best.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

Life isn’t fair. Fair is somewhere you go to ride the dodgems and win a goldfish. (from Rush of Blood)

I never go back on my word! That's my nindo, my ninja way!

As a songwriter, if you can touch people and make them feel a little less alone in the world, then you've done your job.

We must meet the challenge rather than wish it were not before us.