An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

We invite you, in reading this book, to cast away your preconceptions and enter, with us, a magical world where all things are connected to you, and you are connected to all things.

The great virtue in life is real courage that knows how to face facts and live beyond them.

For mortal kind taketh thought only for the day, and hath no more surety than the shadow of smoke.

What they don't teach you in art school is how your whole life is about discovering who you already were.

I'm more embarrassed about some of the films that I've been in than I am about Playboy. Playboy I'm actually quite proud of.

Protected by a no-fly zone, surrounded by protesters, Trump Tower is buzzing with intensity. The president-elect's family, loyalist advisers and wannabes all jockeying for position.

I'm ombibulous. I drink every known alcoholic drink and enjoy them all.

Women do get drunk, they do get sick and they do get food poisoning. It seems to be a bit of a surprise to people that they are seeing it.

I am everything I am today, because of my past.

The happier time, the quicker it passes