An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't believe in miracles - depend on them.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

I'm sucking on a cancer stick trying to think of something inspiring to say to help someone have a better life. That's "Irony".

Let us now praise famous men and our fathers that begat us.

Your friends will notice at once that glib vacuities fail to impress, and hate you, and tell lies about you. It's worth it.

People stopped me on the street and said 'I can't live up to you.' Of course, they're referring to June Cleaver.

Opportunities are problems in search of solutions.

I'm a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone.

As no scripture is of private interpretation, so is there no feeling in a human heart which exists in that heart alone - which is not, in some form or degree, in every human heart.

I would like to expand my brand to include destinations in Vegas and also become an entertainment news correspondent.

With my kids I have to get involved in the Scooby Doo games and the basic kid games that go on. I find myself getting on it more and more just because of my kids.

That is not true I am not a greedy man because if I was why would i donate money to charity?I care about others as well.