An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

It is obvious to you that the struggle will be an unequal one, but I shall make it - I shall make it as long as I have an ounce of strength left in me, or any life left in me.

We are not defined by what knocks us down - we are defined by how we get back up

A corpse is what's left after waking too often.

If history teaches us any lessons at all, it teaches us that force applied to religion creates not a purity of faith but a river of blood.

A spaniel, a woman, and a walnut tree, the more they're beaten the better they be.

I believe that abortion should be safe and legal in this country.

Over a long period of time, living as if you were someone else is no fun.

In India, religious life forms the centre, the keynote of the whole music of national life.

Night and the day, when united, Bring forth the beautiful light.

An author's characters do what he wants them to do.