Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

If we all knew who God really was and what he really wanted for each and every one of us, we would all know that only a fool could really deny him.

But I don't believe coincidences are chance events. I think they're the times we happen to see the mysterious pattern connecting everything.

You seldom come across anything more enjoyable than a happy person.

Maybe I won't stay out of prison. Who knows?

If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock.

I've always thought of this city as Disneyland for adults. ... There's no danger of Las Vegas expiring from an excess of good taste.

People sometimes forget that a rat race can be won only by a rat.

I think of myself as a writer with a sense of humour rather than a comedy writer. Happy to tell a story with lots of jokes in it - I wouldn't know how to do jokes without the story.

Ye diners out from whom we guard our spoons.

Sometimes the most intelligent thing is not to do anything, certainly nothing loaded with the imbecility of emotionality.