And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

People that say they have nothing to hide, can’t be trusted with your secrets.

I have never been good at saying goodbyes to people. What else can they offer rather than a reciprocal desolation?

It was patriotism, not communism, that inspired me.

Republicans are horrible with civil liberties, and not so good with dollars and cents. Democrats are horrible with dollars and cents, and not so good with civil liberties.

A man must commit a crime at least once in his life-time. Only then will his virtue be recognized

"Uh-huh," I said. "Because all you mad, evil scientists sit around whipping up batches of Pillsbury's finest during your coffee breaks. I mean, this is pathetic."

One of the things we love about Po [Kung Fu Panda] is that he's vulnerable. He's someone that we can all identify with because he has those insecurities. He's an outsider feeling guy.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Tuskegee is a state of mind as it is a place, a place of possibility, hope, promise, self-empowerment, and where dreams come true.

A large part of the popularity and persuasiveness of psychology comes from its being a sublimated spiritualism: a secular, ostensibly scientific way of affirming the primacy of "spirit" over matter.