And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

We all know we're one day closer to the end when we wake up in the morning. We just kid ourselves that it's not happening.

How may I hate that which I love with such intensity of passion? How should I abhor that for which my every drop of blood is boiling?

The one who doesn't pull his weight is not asked to pull, while the one who does, pulls for two.

When I'm not a politician, I'll be dead.

The spirit of arrogance most definitely makes you shine. It paints a bright red target on your own forehead.

If you should find yourself in a place that is indifferent to you and there is someone there that your spirit stretches to, then that person is kin.

The worst person to be in the celebrity Big Brother house with would be Peter Andre - cos I hate his Missus.

Successful writers learn at last what they should learn at first,--to be intelligently simple.

Life is a journey. How we travel is really up to us. We can just flow with the tide or follow our own dreams.

Physical geography and geology are inseparable scientific twins.