And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

He who didn't succeed at his own dreams, was too busy listening to another's failures.

Desire isn't lack, it's surplus energy - a claustrophobia inside your skin -.

Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.

I read an hour almost every night. It's part of falling asleep.

If anyone tells me I'm fat, I say, - That's because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit

That's got to be at least one of the benefits of heaven - never having to act normal again.

Be a perpetual beginner. Always be inspired. It is that attitude of inspiration and belief that creates energy.

For all the [body's] members seek nothing except inseparable union with the intellect, as with their beginning, ultimate good, and everlasting life.

Never gaining a good reputation is not nearly as painful as losing one.

It's certain there are trout somewhere - And maybe I shall take a trout - but I do not seem to care.