And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Imagination is like a muscle. I found out that the more I wrote, the bigger it got.

And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.

The State of Grace and the Life of Sin are incompatibilities.

All historians, even the most scientific, have bias, if in no other sense than the determination not to have any.

No man has ever been able to describe God fully. The same holds true of ahimsa.

Character is the moral strength to do the right thing even when it costs more than you want to pay.

My job is always going to change; the characters that I'm playing are always going to change. I look forward to playing a grandfather at some point.

A thousand books on tennis won’t improve your serve, but a thousand serves will.

I like Alaska for the salmon fishing - it's fantastic there. I usually stay in a log cabin with no one around for miles. I like to go with friends, but I'm also happy to be on my own with nature.

Plain living and high thinking are no more.