And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Sadly, in too many cases surrender is having been ‘outrun’ by fear rather than having ‘run out’ of heart.

I alone knew what I had suffered. I alone knew what it felt like to be alive but dead.

A sequel that will exist just for us

In life, you can choose to cry about the bullshit that happens to you or you can choose to laugh about it. I choose laughter.

Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further.

Our words can have power that we don't think we have in everyday life - anyone can make a difference.

Ah, to that far distant strand Bridge there was not to convey, Not a bark was near at hand, Yet true love soon found the way.

It's flattering if people think I'm attractive. If it helps, great, but it's not going to get in the way of me wanting to win. That's what I'm all about.

Sooner or later everything you thought you'd left behind comes around again. For good or ill, it comes around again.

The earth shall be left to no one.