And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

Like nature, women are the creative power behind all of creation.

I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?

To understand somebody else as a human being, I think, is about as close to real forgiveness as one can get.

Praise little, dispraise less.

I do like Peyton Manning. I mean, you can't lose with a guy like that - especially with the amount of touchdowns he's been able to produce.

I think the special thing about Python is that it's a writers' commune. The writers are in charge. The writers decide what the material is.

You get mad at me, you kick the tire, I don't get a bruise, the tire doesn't care, and you're the only one hurting. How's that working for you, Kip?

When i started flirting with the hustle, failure became my ex, now I'm engaged to the game and married to success.

Infinitely more taboos, on television.

It is O. K. for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways.