And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Change comes about when you become what you are, not when you try to become what you are not.

A lie has more dynamic than truth but truth has more potential.

Entrepreneur, you are your brand. Your website, business card, speech and how you walk and talk is your brand.

Just as the brain has its own way of operating, the ears another, the eyes yet another, and the body, fingers and toes yet another means, our intuition can be further divided into separate skills.

Examine the personality of the mother who is the medium through which the primitive infant transforms herself into a socialized human being.

Writing has made me a better man. It has put me in contact with those fleeting moments which prove the existence.

May we not succumb to thoughts of violence and revenge today, but rather to thoughts of mercy and compassion. We are to love our enemies that they might be returned to their right minds.

I'm a good person. In most ways. But I'm beginning to think that being a good person in most ways doesn't count for anything very much, if you're a bad person in one way.

Five years ago, when I was elected, I had the feeling that the president doesn't have much to do. I've realized, though, that this is not a rubber-stamp position.

Pride dies 20 minutes after death.