Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

You challenged me from the very beginning and I tried to resist you, but I knew even then that I wasn't going to walk away without you by my side.

It's hard to see a halo when you're looking for horns.

Musicians can look forward to playing with the best musicians that ever played. They can even have their own band!

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

The one thing you don't want to be is a sucky clean comic. I hate sucky clean comics! It's like Christian rock, bro. I'd rather listen to gospel and Christian rock. That's cheating!

Anarchism's lone objective is to reach a point at which the belligerence of some humans against humanity, in whatever form, comes to a halt.

The greatest evils of society are goods that have refused to go on, but have sat down on the highway, saying to the world, "We stop here; do you stop also.

Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go.

With type as with philosophy, music and food, it is better to have a little of the best than to be swamped with the derivative, the careless, the routine.

I never thought I would get such a perfect role in 'Modern Family.' A lot of TV shows now are looking for more Latin women.