Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

That was what murder was-as easy as that!But afterwards you went on remembering...

The kind of bs is dead. Long live the queen.

I am a child of digital generation. I have done most of the records with Rilo Kiley on computers, on Pro Tools or other digital programs.

One's only failure is failing to live up to one's own possibilities.

I had a paper round and every night I would put the dinner on before Mum came home from work. I was capable because I had to be.

Your customers are the customers of other brands who occasionally buy you.

Is there world enough for me?

If I didn't have fake nails, my fingers would be bloody stumps.

None deserves liberty who is not ready to give liberty

When the wine is ready, that's when we'll drink.