Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Without an enthusiasm of existence, the fullness of life is missed.

A harmful truth is better than a useful lie.

Foreshadowing: Was my challenging Allah to unleash the full weight of his fury upon us, with dark clouds looming in the distance.

If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion most people would be contented to take their own and depart.

It may take time to prove you're right, but you have to stick to it.

In a living society every day is a day of judgment; and its recognition as such is not the end of all things but the beginning ofa real civilization.

The Old Man ain’t afraid of hell

Onion sauce! Onion Sauce!

I'm not serious most of the time.

Far from the world I walk, and from all care.