Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Your level of vibration runs parallel with your feelings, meaning you are in control of your life and the events that come into your life at any given moment.

No matter what you're going through, have faith and have love.

If it be well weighed, to say that a man lieth, is as much to say, as that he is brave towards God and a coward towards men.

Everything we encounter can have a positive influence in shaping our life when we adopt a lens of Gratitude.

I am no God. I am no Messiah. I am no divine incarnation. I am but a human in the service of humans.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia: To mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god or an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

The whole business of reading English Literature in two years, to know it in any reputable sense of the word - let alone your learning to write English - is, in short, impossible.

Players draw confidence from a poised, alert coach who anticipates changing in game conditions

Here lies Mickey Mantle. Banned from baseball.

When we affirm that philosophy begins with wonder , we are affirming in effect that sentiment is prior to reason .