Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Horse is fine. I'll ride a horse.

I have a quote for every occasion, then I remembered that I don't have that many occasions.

I'm living a dream I never want to wake up from.

You can't exploit a woman who has based her entire career on exploiting herself.

Life is rose. Some look at the thorns ... some at the flower.

I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial by strength, and bid defiance to the laws of our country.

I mean, I've always said I have an amazing team and network of friends and people that I work with that, you know, inspire me and enable me to do what I do.

I am a brush, the car is my track and the artist my canvas

There are lots of beautiful areas in England, and I am lucky enough to live in a stunning part of a very beautiful area.

Would I have fired me? Knowing me? No.

Hell is a place, a time, a consciousness, in which there is no love.