Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Every moment, with every heartbeat, we change, but still we fear the change.

It is said that man doesn't live by bread alone. Sometimes this is unfortunate, because people who cannot live by bread alone too often kill other people in consequence of the fights they get into.

If you don't have the capacity to change yourself and your own attitudes, then nothing around you can be changed.

The greatest problem America faces is the decline of middle class incomes.

I needed to justify my existence, and I had made an absolute of literature. It took me thirty years to get rid of this state of mind.

A church is not a church when the passion for souls is gone.

We had 10 years after the Cold War to build a new world order and yet we squandered them. The United States cannot tolerate anyone acting independently. Every US president has to have a war.

The White Majority is the Problem

Ron White was not one of the very first original members of the Motown staff, but eventually he was.

What I try to control ends up controlling me.