Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.

Our cat is kind dove shellfish, and thinks the world is hers, She finds a comfy spot and then we pet turtle sheep purrs.

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

If I have a talent for making some fourth-grader who hates school and reading to hate it a little less, then I have to do the most with what I've been issued.

In writing I found something I could do at least as well as my peers, if not better.

I love the semicolon; it's unnecessary, but graceful and sophisticated.

My dear cousin has a very odd relationship with fear -- though mostly she's too busy to be bothered with it.

A different language is a different vision of life.

I quit seeing some people who were saying bad things about women; I don't even want to meet them or see them.

You will recover [from a broken heart] by beginning to identify the difference between frightened and loving parts of your personality.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

Because my movies are not successful, they are not shown. So I make a living from the budget.

Death is a part of life ... and that part of life needs everything that the rest of life does.

Great actors come with depth about how their character sees the world, and they completely defend it. They could defend it in a court of law, down to the reason the patient deserved this.

I'm much more into someone who is telling stories than somebody who is writing a record about their breakup. It's just more interesting for me.

Some people thought Theophilus was a fake name. Whatever.