Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Behind all their personal vanity, women themselves always have an impersonal contempt for woman.

But let us remember, at the same time, government is sacred, and not to be trifled with.

I have known many chess players, but among them there has been only one genius - Capablanca!

No problem is so intractable that something interesting cannot be said about it.

I sat for a moment, figuring things out, then decided to stay there. If I was on the floor, I couldn't fall down.

The only way to change consciousness and the world around us is to start with yourself.

Philanthropy is an important subject of liberal education because it examines the role of good works in shaping our conceptions of the good society and the good life.

Without wanting to claim that I'm really like James Bond I would certainly prefer to be thought of as closer to James Bond than Mr. Bean most definitely.

Man is not interesting without some imperfection

Fill the brain with high thoughts, highest ideals, place them day and night before you, and out of that will come great work.