Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Students should be told, how to think, not what to think.

Take control of your future by taking a choice of starting it right now.

Marah will come looking for me one day, Kate had said, pressing the journal into my hands. Be with her when she reads it. And my boys… show them these words when they can’t remember me.

Senator Tester is wise enough to make sure his voice is heard in a positive manner to get things done.

Cheerleaders deserve a lot of respect for what they do.

What keeps me writing is that I can only know through writing. My major sense organ is apparently a pencil.

It's easy to shortcut when you get busy explaining the why's of the world, but it's very important to try.

Now that I am dead, I know everything.

True life is creativity, not development: it is the freedom for creative acts, for creative fire, rather than necessity and the heaviness of congealing self-perfection.

Quality is more than a promise, it's genuine performance.