Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

There is a big difference betweenbeing self-ist and being selfish—putting yourself first doesn’t meanyou have to put everyone else last.

A man surprised is half beaten.

I think as an American society, when we're paying too many taxes or dealing with war, we don't want to see sad things at the movies.

There is no sinner in the world, however much at enmity with God, who cannot recover God's grace by recourse to Mary, and by asking her assistance.

Several hours later, I heard my mother calling me to come into the house, and it never occurred to me that this was an experience that other children didn't have on a regular basis.

We can never go back.

It's just a spare room in my apartment. It's very cluttered and not particularly aesthetically inspiring, and it's very un-noise-proof.

The world is in need of less religion and more common sense.

Astrology is framed by the devil, to the end people may be scared from entering into the state of matrimony, and from every divine and human office and calling.

When something is moving you get that intake of breath and that stillness from the audience.