Anybody who's ever had the privilege of seeing me play knows that I am the greatest pitcher in the world.

Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat.

If Satch (Paige) and I were pitching on the same team, we would clinch the pennant by July fourth and go fishing until World Series time.

Son, what kind of pitch would you like to miss?

All ballplayers want to wind up their careers with the Cubs, Giants or Yankees. They just can't help it.

It ain't bragging if you can do it.

Let the teachers learn the kids English. Ol' Diz will learn the kids baseball.

Me and Paul (Dean) will probably win forty games (they won forty-nine).

The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing.

I ain't what I used to be, but who the hell is?

I only went to the third grade because my father only went to the fourth and I didn't want to pass him.

We've made our decisions, We've taken our choices, What's left, is only a hand-full of emotions.

To be given loyalty is to be infused like a gemstone, to be granted the frightful license to destroy not only one's self, but all within one's care.

I do get to have my normal childhood. I just love to get together with my friends and family and have a good time.

Men live in glad obedience to the masters they believe in, or they live in a frictional opposition to the master they wish to undermine.

There is nothing in this world that does not have a decisive moment.

I will never say the things that I want to say to you. I know the damage it would do. I love you more than I hate my loneliness and pain.

The more I study nature, the more I stand amazed at the work of the Creator. Science brings men nearer to God.

If you want peace, prepare for the war.

Running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it.

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.