Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

Our dependence outweighs our independence, for we are independent only in our desire, while we are dependent on our health, on nature, on society, on everything in us and outside us.

Aphorisms are literature's hand luggage. Light and compact, they fit easily into the overhead compartment of your brain.

A vice utterly at variance with the happiness of him who harbors it, and, as such, condemned by self-love.

The past is ignorant of the present. Be careful in taking its advice.

We are all connected; To each other, biologically. To the earth, chemically. To the rest of the universe atomically.

He does not however postpone making decisions.

Don’t give them what you think they want. Give them what they never thought was possible.

The value of getting to your goals lives not in reaching the goal but what the talents/strengths/capabilities the journey reveals to you.

I'm always looking for sounds that are pleasing at the time. The sound of a helicopter is really annoying until you're drowning, and it's there to rescue you. Then it sounds like music.