Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Leo, ” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel, ” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither, ” Leo admitted.

Tell me, Do you feel the way I feel?'Cause nothing else is realIn the La La Land machine

I like to remember what I have to be thankful for. When it gets bad, I usually list them out loud to my wife and myself. Helps me maintain a balanced perspective.

We have to all shoulder the responsibility for keeping the planet habitable, or we're going to suffer the consequences - together.

Many readers judge of the power of a book by the shock it gives their feelings.

For whatever reason, I have an emotional life that wants to come out.

For me, living in the closet corroded my ability to have an honest, open relationship with my God, my loved ones, my constituency and myself.

It's so easy to look around and notice what's wrong. It takes practice to see what's right.

Casey wanted us to stay loose. That didn't mean clowning around. He just meant we should be confident and relaxed. We shouldn't feel that one strikeout was going to end the season for us.

I knew well in advance even before I stepped on the stage for my first event that I was going to lose.