Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The strongest force in our universe is not overriding power, but love.

Our nature consists in motion complete rest is death.

Experience is the teacher of all things.

You can only have as much love for yourself as you can express to others.

Pretended to see nothing in the old woman's taunts. Very hard to imagine nothingness.

I've never seen the devil create music.

Jesus wants us to love Him in a way that gives Him full leadership over our lives.

There are no fascinating people, only their works are fascinating.

I do what many dream of, all their lives

It wasn't good for my nerves, that kind of work - a fireman. I've got high blood pressure. I get upset easily. I don't think that was a proper career alternative for me.