Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Some mistakes... just have greater consequences than others. But you don't have to let that night be the thing that defines you.

Before everything else getting ready is the secret of success.

Often you will end up loving the new things you try and even if you don't love it, you've given yourself a new experience.

The sense of smell explores; deleterious substances almost always have an unpleasant smell.

By nature we have no defect that could not become a strength, no strength that could not become a defect.

The evil of infatuation is illustrated by the drunkard.

God does not create poverty; we do, because we do not share.

I have to accept the fact that, no matter what I do, it's going to annoy someone.

Even a dog distinguishes between being stumbled over and being kicked.

Comedy is actually very macho driven.