Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Luxury is not a necessity to me, but beautiful and good things are.

Don't waste this life being sad, angry or depressed as you just don't have as much time as you think you do.

If you cross a pickle with a female deer...You get a dill-doe!

I can be stupid sometimes.

True love brings up everything - you're allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily.

The people of Iraq realize that a stable, successful, democratic Iraq can only come about if average Iraqis are willing to sacrifice to build it.

The memory of past troubles is pleasant. [Lat., Jucunda memoria est praeteritorum malorum.]

Pain is just a feeling, and feelings aren't real.

Clarity of language is the first casualty of authoritarianism.

My test of a good novel is dreading to begin the last chapter.