Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

What's a Laster? A dead man.

Mouse likes to drag you to uninhabited areas with no cell signal—all those places perfect for dying of exposure.

My parents have a strong work ethic, but their attitude to life, their philosophy, is: 'whatever makes you happy.'

New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.

There is no safety for honest men, but by believing all possible evil of evil men, and by acting with promptitude, decision, and steadiness on that belief.

What once were two, are one

If our kids were hungry, we'd step into slavery.

We enjoy the fruit of the first coming but anticipate the glory of the second.

Getting the first win is very important. I think that takes a lot of pressure off going forward.

Laws ... proportionate and mild should never be dispensed with. Let mercy be the character of the law-giver, but let the judge be a mere machine.