Applaud my idiocy.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

I have seen what hard work can do, and I know what more it can and will do.

Tell Evil men of your sins and they will use it against you Tell a sinner of your sins and they will pray for you

Those of us who were brought up as Christians and have lost our faith have retained the sense of sin without the saving belief in redemption. This poisons our thought and so paralyses us in action.

Being pregnant was the healthiest I've ever been in my life. Except for the cupcakes.

I believe the Times is a great newspaper, but a profoundly fallible one.

Good programmers know what's beautiful and bad ones don't.

Having 'Oscar winner' on your tombstone is a great thing.

All singers have this fault: if asked to sing among friends they are never so inclined; if unasked, they never leave off.

A lot of people say if you can't love yourself, then you can't love others. It's always different, but I definitely have loved a lot in my life.

Whoever the last true cowboy in America turns out to be, he's likely to be an Indian.