Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

It takes a great deal of history to produce a little literature.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

I am fortunate to have the resources to have many methods to do each of my illusions.

Honor and profit lie not all in one sack.

I actually cried during 'Titanic.' It was one of the few movies I've seen in the theater multiple times.

He's a freak. Just like me. Just like all those Kane-a-nites out there! And you know what, Freaks are cool!

My goal is GOD HIMSELF. Not joy, not peace, not even blessing but HIMSELF...my GOD.

I live in L.A., so layers are essential to my wardrobe. I like slim silhouettes, typically, and I love good tailoring.

I'm sure many writers have these strange, tiny little habits.

I think the important thing about staying creative and staying sharp and original is not to look back too much.