Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

During your struggle society is not a bunch of flowers, it is a bunch of cactus.

God’s promise is to save the church and all who loves him

Somewhere in my head, a private conviction exists that 'Search is the Process' and 'Discovery the Art Form.

...the person you encounter is often more than the person you see.

And Finally I put down the last and the best advice I knew, on growing older. 'Stand up straight and try not to get fat.

The coast of British Columbia was one of the three chief centers of aboriginal America.

Men make the best friends.

And he paddled away in his douche canoe.

It is a lot harder to put something back together than to keep it running.

I don't dream about anyone - except myself