Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Hopes are so well constructed, so monstrously dashed!

Womanhood is a flourishing flower.

I think it's quite extraordinary that people cast me as if I'm Warren Beatty: until I met my present wife, at the age of 35, you could name two girlfriends.

To know everything is to know nothing, but to know nothing is to know everything.

I already have a production company called J Squared and we're working on two projects.

Politicians never accuse you of 'greed' for wanting other people's money - only for wanting to keep your own money.

Do I suffer for my art? Well, I get a lot of flatulence when I'm nervous.

Poetry, in the past, was the center of our society, but with modernity it has retreated to the outskirts. I think the exile of poetry is also the exile of the best of humankind.

Every football player knows when his time is up.

There is this church that I go to a lot in New York. I'm not religious but I love lighting candles and stuff. I find it useful.