Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

There is no prayer greater than service.

Everyday there will be an opportunity to Frown or to Smile, to Drown or to Dance, to be Sad or to be Glad. It's a Choice!

We want products made in America, made by American hands. You probably saw the Keystone pipeline I approved recently.

He's one of the most coachable players out there.

Cause I enjoy both, I enjoy recording and playing live, but yeah, the rush of playing live is really something.

We tend to defend vigorously things that in our deepest hearts we are not quite certain about. If we are certain of something we know, it doesn't need defending.

See with your soul and not your eyes because to dance with the beasts you must penetrate their disguise.

A cartoon character isn't a specific person. It isn't Tom Cruise or George Clooney playing the part, it's a character that could be you. It's easier for you to get drawn into it in a special way.

Friendships, even the best of them, are frail things. One drifts apart.

The climate is changing. This year we have come to understand this when we faced events that resulted in fires.