Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.

The future is purchased by the present.

To learn is to be young, however old.

Yes, God uses the uneducated to confound the wise. But that doesn't make ignorance a virtue.

My mom is really great with me and for me, because I think she makes an effort to make sure there is some normalcy in my life, and her and my dad don't really treat me any differently.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

It's not a problem. In four or five days I will be beautiful once again.

A parent that's upset or resentful is not going to be a great paren.

I realized I never played a character that was skilled at anything, or skilled at anything that I couldn't become skilled at.

Generally, I tend to despise human behavior rather than human creatures.

If any two men desire the same thing, which nevertheless they cannot both enjoy, they become enemies.