Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

...a genuine work of art, can never be false, nor can it be discredited through the lapse of time, for it does not present an opinion but the thing itself.

My own tastes happen to be in tune with what the public wants. I think that's the reason my batting average is so high, not because I've discovered some brilliant formula.

In for ever knowing, we are for ever blessed; but to know all were the curse of a fiend

It has its distinct and insurmountable limitations when applied to public personnel management.

I am tolerably ignorant about Judaism, and much of what I do know about it seems hard to swallow, because it is so grounded in legalism, and adherence to rituals.

I'm going to have fans and I'm going to have people who don't like everything I do. All I can really do is go to work and do my job.

The secret of successful people lies in their ability to discover their strengths and to organize their life so that these strengths can be applied.

What's gotten in the way of education in the United States is a theory of social engineering that says there is ONE RIGHT WAY to proceed with growing up.

Let us be kind to one another, to be aware of each other’s needs, and try to help in that regard.

There was a time I could have been mistaken for Burt Reynolds. I had a moustache and so did he. But he was the number one star in the world, so there wasn't really much confusion