Arguing that the only problem with a free market is lack of competition, is like arguing that that the only problem with prostitution is that there aren't enough pimps.

If you're gonna burn a bridge behind you, make sure you've crossed it first.

I wish all those who've found God, would tell the rest of us where he's been hiding.

Lately the muse has been treating me like Ike treated Tina.

A little stupid is like a little forest fire. If you happen upon some stupid, please stomp it out before it spreads.

Just a thought for all you God-fearin', gun-lovin', Bible-thumpin' 2nd Amendment patriots. If it turns out Heaven's a gun-free zone, what's plan B???

God might not be dead, but he's sure as hell missing in action.

99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.

A friend told me that one day he and I would be rich and famous. I told him that I'd trade my half of the fame, for his half of the money.

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

If Heaven actually exists, I don't need anyone to be my real estate broker. After all, what is religion but an attempt to sell you a share in the ultimate gated community?

What no wife of a writer understands is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.

No matter how old you are, you always want your mother’s love and acceptance. I guess I’m hoping one day I’ll get it back.

The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity - it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

Why is it that the less one has to say the more one says it in the most pompous and pedantic way possible?... Is it to fool the world or just to fool themselves?

There is not a good or a bad cuisine, just the one you like the best.

If you're not shooting in the right direction, it doesn't matter how well you're shooting.

At SGI board meetings... Jim Clark's face would get red and he'd start shouting that an investor and board member had cheated him and his engineers.

I'm a very, very sensitive guy. A lot of people don't know that about me, but I am.

The truth is not simply what you think it is; it is also the circumstances in which it is said, and to whom, why, and how it is said.