Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

We stand in the awe of God’s greatness.

The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases.

It becomes more necessary to see the truth as it is if you realize that the only vehicle for change are these people who have lost their personality.

Courage comes from acting courageously on a day-to-day basis.

Every one of us lives this life just once, if we are honest, to live once is enough.

I appreciate people who try and use language in an interesting way.

We are all born equally far from the sun.

Nothing that isn't a real crime makes a man appear so contemptible and little in the eyes of the world as inconsistency.

Spread love whenever you go.

That transparency is important. Look at what's inside products and seek out those that contain natural, plant-based ingredients - from toothpaste to cosmetics.