As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The needs of the people around you should your utmost priority

If you think your scars bother me, you're wrong. In my eyes, you're a hero. Your scars are just proof of that.

I haven't experienced anything paranormal yet, but I did see what I think was a meteor light up the sky in a flash of red for a few seconds. That was really cool.

Tolerance ain't the same as acceptance, even though we all wish it was.

Win as though you were used to it, and lose as if you like it.

Love, and don't be caught in opinions and ideas about what love is or should be.

Some people can touch your life for a brief moment but will leave an imprint for a lifetime.

You don't need to go to a therapist, you don't need to do all kinds of things. If you want to write, you physically have to do it.

Life gradually becomes a surrender to situations conditioned by technology.

You don't need to take a course or buy a product. All you have to do is change your mind.