As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison; and other people just hate him regular.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

We have joy for the assurance of the promise.

A sailor may choose the wind to ride out of seaport, but the wind has a mind of it's own.

It takes courage to live through suffering; and it takes honesty to observe it.

I did some great work with my Calvin Klein ads on the motorcycle. It was really groundbreaking because people hadn't seen a woman actually riding a motorcycle before.

The sixth grade made my life successful by preparing me for the seventh and the seventh by preparing me for the eighth and so on. May it do the same for you.

Mistakes are lessons that you need to learn!

If evil means to be self-motivated, to be the center of one’s own universe, to live on one’s own terms, then every artist, every thinker, every original mind, is evil.

The women's movement hit my neighborhood like a freight train. Everybody got divorced. You wonder what would have happened to women if the suburbs hadn't been built.

If you have to run away from something that used to be an idol, you're actually still enslaved by it. It's still controlling you.

I grew up in a time when it would never have occurred to anyone to tell me there was anything I couldn't do.