As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A virtuous wife is an indispensable asset in the hand of her husband . In contrary, a nagging wife is a liability to her husband . There is nothing she cannot destroy.

You must be the most beautiful and sophisticated thief I have ever met. Secretly you stole my heart without my knowledge.

Injustice in the end produces independence.

I've had dreams about tricks.

I will probably always cry myself to sleep, but knowing this, someday the tears won't be sad, or filled with regret. Maybe they will be joyful

Genius is an intellect that has become unfaithful to its destiny.

Doing is the evolution of saying.

It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

To do injustice is the greatest of all evils.

My masculinity isn't hinged on whether or not I knit.