As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

Life is love.Love is divine.Divine is God.

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.

Depression is a very sensible reaction to just about everything we live in now.

You think of luxury when you think of Calvin Klein. He created this lifestyle that's really desirable, so our whole project has that quality of being lasting.

Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yard.

Politicians, like generals, have a tendency to fight the last war.

The computer is important, but not to mathematics.

Since there is absolutely no logical reason to assume there is an afterlife, I decided to make the life I have now as much fun as possible.

No painting is more replete than Mondrian's.