As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Truth always prevails, as it packs the mightiest punch of them all!

I can party like a twenty-four-year-old but it takes me almost a week to recover.

Man cannot demand that others give up their lives to make him happy.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass.

Hell, covering all with its gloomy vapors, has cast shadows on even the holiest eyes.

I can state that I created a ballet company of which everyone said: St. Petersburg has the greatest ballet in all Europe.

Faith and character are intimately related. Faith in the power of obedience to the commandments of God will forge strength of character available to you in times of urgent need.

A good collection is more than just the sum of its parts.