As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

...sometimes it's best not to know, because even when you know, it doesn't matter anyway. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is often a responsibility nobody wants.

The purification of the mind is very necessary. (72)

Fear comes when faith left.

It is sound judgment to hope that in the not too distant future we shall be competent to understand so simple a thing as a star.

I was the original socially depraved shy ghetto kid.

Improvise. Write your own damn story.

You may think using Google's great, but I still think it's terrible.

Of all second-class citizens, neurotics are the only ones who are so by choice.

A symbol serves to combine heart and intellect.

The women in my family - my grandmother and my mother - have been both sources of comfort and terror. Protection was not always available.