As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Beware of long arguments and long beards.

I think people want to feel stuff right now.

But this was a moral question, and the answer to it may not have been legally relevant.

[Margaret Thatcher] was always talking about what the prudent housewife should do and what the prudent housewife knew.

Of all the men that have run for president in the twentieth century, only George McGovern truly understood what a monument America could be to the human race.

I hate women because they have brought into the currency of our language such expressions as "all righty" and "yes indeedy" and hundreds of others.

Sometimes love means not being able to bear seeing the one you love the way they are, when they're not what you hoped for them.

There are so many girls, and so few princes.

A funny line can never exist on its own. It needs to be surrounded by mood and circumstances.

As you learn more and more about the irrelevance of human life to the general mechanism of the universe, the idea of an interested god, becomes increasingly implausible.