As a kid, I always wanted to be Carol Burnett or Johnny Carson. I love to chat and entertain.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Don't compare yourself with someone else's version of happy or thin. Accepting yourself burns the most calories.

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.

I always feel slightly sorry to be the voice of whatever I'm experiencing.

I'd like a pop-up magazine with 45 articles on Russell Crowe. I'm like a teenager. I'd have 'Teen Beat' if I could, for grown-ups.

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

I grew up thinking that if I wanted to go be prime minister, I could.

I always like to think I'm having a dinner party, and I'm the host, and the audience are my guests.

Be careful mi amor, don't hurt anyone this time.

Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we've ever met.

Every great story seems to begin with a snake.

I had a lot of anger because I wasn't happy with the way I had been raised.

I just don't think the Bob Costas, Joe Buck - I don't think that the people that rise to the highest - Jim Nantz, Mike Tirico - need a schtick. I just think Brent Musburger is really good.

Of all the mental and physical polluters of life, nothing exercises such a poisonous effect as fear.

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

The first story I finished was when I was six years old.

I used to have lots of tigers. I had all sorts of exotic pets when I had some money. Before I was broke, I had everything. Pigeons and vultures, lions, tigers, and bears. I had it all.

When the law disarms good guys, bad guys rejoice.