As a result of that, and as a result of friendship, I don't think we've ever been competitive. I mean, there's probably a very good reason Hunter [S. Thompson] isn't jealous of me.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Poetry is the synthesis of hyacinths and biscuits.

It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.

I know I have an awful lot to learn from the people of Minnesota.

If you can't beat 'em in the alley, you can't beat 'em on the ice.

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.

Country music is so related to gospel. It seems I could go down that road pretty easily.

Whatever a person may be like, we must still love them because we love God.

I believe America is safest and strongest when we are leading the world and we are leading strong alliances.

It is almost as presumptuous to think you can do nothing as to think you can do everything.

The difference in the profit and loss is usually ... do not quit.